By our Political Reporter: Roger Anything

Northern Ireland is a society rapidly acclimatising to peace. The ceasfire is 7 years old, and overt paramilitary activity in the province has been noticeably absent. Aside from kneecappings of course. And gun attacks on drug dealers and joy riders, internal feuds, pipe bomb attacks, petrol bombings, the arbitrary murder of taxi drivers, armed robberies, expulsion orders, protection rackets, intimidation and other circumstances which cause armed men to take to the streets and shoot each other, but aren't classified as breaches of the ceasefire under the Good Friday Agreement, the country's streets have been relatively quite. Recent months have, however, witnessed the development of a new and sinister form of sectarian violence.

Olives: "Lethal"

In January 2001, the town of Portadown was ravaged by the worst case of sectarian food fighting in living memory. The town centre was extensively damaged after youths brandishing bagfuls of comestibles from Curley's supermarket engaged in a running battle, which lasted for over 7 hours. Pavements, shop-fronts, and businesses of all descriptions were left covered in a thick layer of flour, eggs, milk aerosol cream, and tinned fruit. The clean up operation was reputed to have cost the local council somewhere in the region of £2 000 000. In the popular mind, this was dismissed as an isolated incident, but figures collated by the RUC show an estimated 500 food-related attacks, have taken place in the 6 counties since March of this year alone. Neither have these incidents been confined to traditional flashpoints such as Portadown. Similar episodes have taken place in Derry, Belfast, and last week in Larne, 4 Catholic construction workers were beaten insensible with what the RUC has claimed was probably a leg of lamb. The town has also seen a disturbing rise in cases of food being used for the purposes of intimidation. The Northern Ireland Housing Executive has reported an unprecedented rise in demands for families of both traditions to be re-housed, after stuffed olives were left on their front porches. In one case, a woman was persistently harassed for over a year before finally opting to leave her home on a largely Nartionalist estate. "It was extremely frightening" she told our reporter. "I'd be woken every night at about 3.00am by the sound of basmati rice hitting my front window. When I got up to investigate, I'd find the street outside deserted, and a packet of Falafel mix strewn across my garden. Last month, I found the words "You have 3 weeks to get out" spelled out in sun dried tomatoes accross my drive, and I really began to fear for my safety. I asked the Housing Executive to move me immediately."

Trout: "Not mentioned in article but still pretty sacry"

While in the past, the attacks involved comparatively simple weapons such as dairy produce and potatoes, lately the foods employed have shown quite an alarming degree of sophistication. The police have admitted that the use of not only Thai cuisine, but of French, Italian, and in one case Russian dishes is now commonplace, in a terrifying escalation of tit-for-tat violence. "Loyalist mobs will launch attacks on Natiolanist enclaves using sandwiches or hot dogs, and the next night the nationalists srike back with Spanish Omlettes and Lasagne. Before you know it the situation degenerates into open warfare, with assailants flinging 16 course Japanese banquets, and French haute cuisine at one another" said Seragent Billy Thug of the RUC. A chief consultant at Musgrave Hospital also expressed serious concern at the development. "We have treated a wide variety of injuries caused by food - frozen chicken bruising, vindaloo burns etc. A common tactic is to hold an opponent down, and forcibly pour lemon juice into their mouths. The result is catastrophic - the victim's tastebuds can be disabled for weeks. Some of the cases are nothing short of horrific, and the growing use of Russian food is particularly worrying - the damage which can be inflicted by a well-aimed bowl of Borscht is really too terrible to describe."

Obviously, this trend has been fostered by more than just dissatisfaction with the peace process, decommissioning, or the Parades Commission's failure to provide any adequate solution to the marching issue. "This is a matter of grave concern to us." said spokeswoman for the Belfast based community group, Woman Against Culinary Offences "Since the ceasefire, youths in many disadvantaged parts of the province can no longer find purpose or direction in their lives by joining a paramilitary organisation, and if they have poor exam results, they are left little option other than to turn to catering courses. The allure of this profession is irresistible for many young men. Every time Paul Rankin makes another TV series, applications for catering colleges treble, and many further education establishments have been inundated with demand. The result is, that whenever sectarian tensions in the province begin to escalate, these youths are present on the streets, with a terrifying new range of skills at their disposal." The continued appearance of celebrity chefs on television, has been universally condemned by politicians, restorative justice groups, and church leaders alike, all of who express growing alarm at what is becoming known as the "Jamie Oliver Culture". "I would advise Mr Oliver to give some serious thought the consequences of his actions." said Rev Vague of the Church of Ireland. "While many people view his televised antics as nothing more than mindless entertainment, those trapped in communities overrun by young men with bad hairstyles, scraming "pukkah", and "sorted" and threataning law abiding residents with stalks of lemongrass, are subjected to a living nightmare as a result of his obsessive need to cook in public." We contacted Paul Rankin for a statement on the matter. "Look - will you stop phoning me! I don't know what the hell you're talking about!!" he said.

Oliver: "Irresponsible"

Possibly the most worrying evidence that food is becoming the weapon of choice amongst hooligans and paramilitaries alike, emerged during last year's loyalist feud. Reports of incidents involving mushroom vol-au vents, vegetable moussaka, linguine, and even spiced chicken wings were frequent, and Army experts were called upon to defuse a total of 80 stuffed olives found in the Shankhill Road area of Belfast. Former Loyalist, Rab Savage gave us his opinion on the matter "These events are symptomatic of a dangerous trend. Loyalism is obviously beginning to loose touch with its traditional values. In my day we used nothing more sophisticated than a pastie and chip, or in more extreme cases a buttered bap, to discipline members of our own camp. The idea that the horrors of stuffed olives and vol-au-vents are being turned against our own community is deeply alarming" Neither is the use of food confined to Loyalist organisations. During a planned inspection of a kitchen in Ligoneil last week, police unearthed approximately 500lbs of home-made salmon sandwiches. The sandwiches contained a quantity of smoked salmon, believed to originate in the Republic of Ireland, as well as sliced cucumber and lemon juice. Two bottles of white wine and an unspecified amount of Pavlova were also uncovered. In a statement issued to the BBC, Martin McGuinness denied that the discovery of fish prepared in this fashion signalled any possible return to violence by the IRA. "During the Famine, starving Irishmen were shot by the British imperialist occupiers on the mere suspicion of having seen a salmon, and even in this so called era of progress, the nationalist community is being harassed by the RUC because of fish held for legitimate catering purposes. I myself was subjected to such discrimination yesterday, when a herring which I had intended to cook for my dinner was impounded by the police. To say that Republican fish poses a threat to the peace process is outrageous at a time when the 6 counties still retains the highest concentration of fish fingers for military use in western Europe. Those RUC bastards didn't even give me my herring back. It was apparently served to the Chief Constable Ronnie Flannagan as part of a Thai banquet. I demand an unreserved apology from the British Government, and full compensation for the loss of my herring!" A police spokesman denied that the confiscation of the Education Minister's herring was in any way related to the failure of Ronnie Flannagan's daughter to secure a place at her first preference school.

Delia: "Traumatic"

The plight of victims is pitiful indeed, and those targeted sustain not only physical, but long term psychological damage. Many are left unable to either cook or shop for groceries, and have to be blindfolded at the dinner table, or feed on substances that are completely unrecognisable as food. The fast-food chain MacDonald's has reputedly enjoyed a resurgence of popularity since the attacks began. Belfast City Hospital has reported a substantial increase in the numbers of patients reporting trauma as a result of seeing Delia Smith, and for many the BBC is simply a no go area. Public outrage at the failure of the authorities to take action in Northern Ireland is beginning to swell. "This is simply a question of political expediency" said Rhonda Pique, chairperson of the food activist group "Bake". "These animals are aware that the use of traditional weapons of violence, will result in the expulsion of their political wings from government, but as the Agreement stands, no provision for outlawing the use of food is given." Bake are calling for the immediate banning of all food from the province, and the humane destruction of Nigella Lawson.

Rankin: "Too dangerous to show real photograph of"

While obviously unwilling to ban the sale of food completely, the RUC have advised shop-keepers not to sell these dangerous substances to anyone they regard as being suspicious, or who in their opinion, is liable to have connections to the paramilitaries. This includes anyone dressed in a similar fashion to members of the Badre Meinhof group, seems to be incapable of smiling, and who speaks Irish badly, or any tattooed persons seen impersonating Elvis, or who have large moustaches.