Stormont: "Quiet"

By our Parliamentary Correspondent Bernadette Libel

With a crucial General Election just weeks away, and tensions already heightened by the impending onset of the Marching Season, disturbing rumours have begun to circulate that the Stormont Executive may have successfully introduced a piece of legislation. The speculation follows a leaked report which states that last Wednesday, the Northern Ireland Assembly enjoyed a "fruitful day". At a press conference called yesterday, First Minister David Trimble was questioned by journalists on this potentially terrifying breach of parliamentary tradition. "Obviously there is a widespread public perception that the Assembly is no place for reasoned and constructive debate, or the proposal of statutes, but we feel that our attempt last Wednesday to pass a piece of legislation was entirely justified." Although speculation abounds that extreme measures were required to produce this extrordinary development, Mr Trimble categorically denied any such action had taken place.

McWilliams - "very cross indeed"

Papers released from the Office of the Keeper of the House however, suggest otherwise. Suspicions were first raised at 11.30am, by the failure of two Sinn Fein MLA's to walk out of an Agriculture Committee meeting in disgust. As the morning progressed the absence of raised voices, mutual recrimination, and breaking furniture was causing alarm bells to ring throughout the Assembly's membership, and when Seamus Mallon was sighted looking "almost relaxed", an immediate investigation was demanded. The investigation revealed that at 9.00am, the parliament building was stormed by armed members of the Women's Coalition, all of whom were described in the report as "extremely cross". Shortly afterwards the DUP delegation mysteriously vanished, and were eventually discovered bound and gagged in a storage cupboard. "Oh dear" Mr Trimble was alleged to have said with a cheerful smile. A vote was then taken which produced a unanimous result for leaving the Democratic Unionists in the cupboard until the conclusion of the day's business. SDLP members were subsequently advised that breaking into a rousing chorus of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" was not considered to be fitting Parliamentary behaviour.

The DUP were released at 7.00pm, after the assembly had passed a resolution to embark upon a "pub crawl". "It was awful," whimpered a traumatized Willie McCrea. "Monica McWilliams held a gun to my head, and told me that if I ever sang again, that she'd blow my brains out! If that wasn't bad enough, I was forced to lie under the Rev Paisley for 10 hours! He fell on top of me when Anne Carr smacked him in the face."

Paisley - "not at all happy"

Ian Paisley was typically outraged when released, and issued the following statement. "This is an affront to the Democratic Unionist Party! Our members have been subjected to every possible form of degredation. Being locked in a cupboard was bad enough - but to have Gerry Adams sing "Jailhouse Rock" every time I pass him in a corridor is beyond humiliating! And if Martin Maguinness sends me one more note offering me the services of a bodyguard, I will not be held responsible for my actions. I demand that the Women's Coalition be banned from leaving their houses without the express permission of their husbands, and that Monica McWilliams get back in the kitchen where God himself intended her to be!!" Dr Paisley was then taken to the City Hospital for stitches, after being head-butted by Ms McWilliams. Peter Robinson refused to make any comment other than "I want my Mum."

Robinson - "wants Mum"

Mr Trimble denied that the regular imprisonment of the DUP on Wednesdays was being considered as an official policy, or that the Women's Coalition would be asked to mount a permanent armed patrol of the building.

Business Conducted at Stormont last Wednesday:

Roads to provide "transport for car drivers"

Schools to "educate children"

Hospitals to undertake critical role of "healing sick"