The Carrot Experience | Introduction | The Genesis of Obsession | The Book of Carrot
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The Book Of Carrot Chapter II
by Ageing Dwarfer
And lo, the passage of time transformed the Infant Chris into a young man with curling hair and flaring nostrils, and the young women of the town were consumed with lust, and did begin to entertain impure thoughts of his cuteness. The Elder Gods of Comedie were most dismayed, for these lusty females were untutored in the Ways of Wizdome. And the Elder Gods of Comedie spoke unto Chris's parents in a dream, and said:
"Thy son Chris, is Blessed amongst men, for me has been touched by Comic Talent. Unto him has been given a Sacred Task, to bring joy and laughter to the world, and should he fall prey to the predatory females of this place, he shall verily spend all day meditating upon his carnal lusts, and the delights of rumpy-pumpy, and neglect the High Comic Arts. To preserve the purity of his Talent, he shall be charged with a Holy Undertaking to bring humour unto the City of Belfast, in the Blighted Region known as Northern Ireland, for its populace are in Great Need of a Bloody Good Laugh!"
And lo - the youthful Chris went unto the Methodist College in the Blessed City of Belfast, that he might develop his Great Talent by sending up the teachers in His Holy Way. And yea, many teachers at Methody were utter twits, with many silly habits which gave the young students of that place much delight. And the Impersonations performed by Chris of these Holy Fools did fill his classmates with joy, and they did say - "With Talent such as that, you shouldst appear on the David Essex Showcase!" Blessed are these teachers amongst teachers, for their mannerisms did inspire the Holy Cavortings of the Noble Brittas, and the Celebrated Rimmer.
But Chris's Sacred Undertaking remained unfulfilled. The people of Ireland were downcast, for though their soil was fecund and brought forth potatoes in great abundance, they had no Rude Vegetables at which to laugh. The earth of Wales brought forth Leeks, which did fill the world with juvenile sniggering at their phallic form, and in Scotland, turnips grew into all manner of suggestive shapes, that all those who gazed upon them might grin, and think of how much like giant thingies they looked, and the horticulturists of England were full of glee at the hugeness of their cucumbers. But Ireland was a blighted country, for thought the natives possessed a ready wit, they were punished, for their country had spawned Frank Carson, and Val Doonican, and Daniel O'Donnell, and their land was stripped of Amusing Vegetables in atonement for these wretched crimes against popular entertainment.
And lo, the exams at Methody ended, and the young men went unto the pub, to make merry and rejoice in the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks. And thither also went Chris to amuse them all with this Scared Impersonations. When the Time Of Closing was upon them the youths did stagger forth into the street in search of kebabs and chips and all manner of Greasy Foodstuffs. And the Hallowed Chris did slur: "Lads - I fear that I am utterly blocked, and must go for a walk to induce some semblance of sobriety." And the lads were most downhearted, for Chris did a cracking Impersonation of the bloke in the Kebab Shop, and they had looked forward to much hilarity in that place. But the Bladder of Chris had become very full, as he had not had time to make use of the facilities in the pub before its Time of Closing, and he staggered unto Botanic Gardens to relieve himself in private.
And before he did so, the Elder Gods of Comedie spoke unto him, saying:
Blessed art though amongst men Chris Barrie, for every outpouring of thy body shall have humourous consequence"
And Chris did think: "Bloody hell - I must not partake so freely of the Guinness in the future, for it is a Most Potent Beverage"
A nd he emptied the contents of his bladder upon the ground, and staggered off to bed. Oh Hallowed Park that was used for such a Purpose!! For its soil brought forth a Most Amusing Vegetable. And it was long and knobbly, and would remind all who gazed upon it of something very rude indeed. And it was coloured Orange, that it might be unique amongst root vegetables. And it was named unto us, and it was called......A CARROT!!!!!!!
And for a time the people of Belfast were again content, and wav-ed unto one another the Carrot that they might chortle with infantile delight. But the Dark Angel Delia Smith spied the Holy Carrot, and envied its sacred form. And she did fall upon it with the Overpriced Utensils, and did verily make a fortune flogging the recipie to Sainsbury's. And the populace did Roast the Hallowed Veg, and Glaze it, and to Grate it into Rosti, that its Sacred Properties might bring unto their filthy tables, the plague of Trendy Food. And the Elder Gods did weep to see such profane acts, and prepared to send a Mighty plague of root-fly upon the Carrots of the world, for the people were patently unworthy of their Divine Gift. And the people did plead to be spared this terrible affliction with such passion, that the Elder Gods relented and spoke thus unto the people of the world:
"That Sacrilege is never again perpetrated against this Holy Manifestation of Chris, we shall instruct our Agents Ben of Elton and Richard of Curtis to set forth a Holy Teaching, that all who see it shall be blessed with Holy Wizdome. And it shall be called Blackadder III, and they shall employ Chris for the Sacred Episode" And lo, in the Blessed Scenes of "Nob And Nobility", Chris, dressed in the Revolutionary Costume spake the Holy Words: "I'm French, and I'm hung like a Baby Carrot and a couple of Petit Pois", and all those who heard them were indeed blessed!
Praise
Be To Chris!
The Carrot Experience | Introduction | The Genesis of Obsession | The Book of Carrot