The Carrot Experience | Introduction | The Genesis of Obsession | The Book of Carrot

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III

In The Beginning

In the beginning, there were two women on a message board. One was called ARimmsky, the other, Ageing Dwarfer. But, though they were both young and feisty, and possessed of lusty spirits, they were downcast, for they were both deeply devoted to Our Lord Chris Barrie, and had no place of safety to kneel in the worship of their god. For months they tried to convert the unseeing of the board, but their seeds of Wizdome fell upon stony ground - and they were most distressed.

And then an emissary of fermented Malt Substances was sent unto them - Cae the Mis-spelt. Cae had been burdened with a Dreadful Task, to inconvenience Vinegar Eels, and record the data in a project. But she suspected that her toil and travail must have some Sacred Purpose, and so she brought the Blessed Vials of Vinegar unto the Board.

"Oh friends" she implored "Wons't thou take this Vinegar from me, for I am on the verge of cracking up. If I seeth one more drop of Vinegar, I shall verily loose control"

And her friends replied - "Cae this is most disturbing - thou must pour the Vinegar down the sink at once!"

"I cannot" answered Cae, "this be a message board - there be no sink here!"

"Good point" her friends dids't say "We're going to have to drink it."

And Dwarfer and ARimmsky dids't partake of the Divine Condiment, and when they had both stopped being sick, they were struck by a Most Holy Revelation. They would become Missionaries of the Exalted Chris, and would build for Him a Mighty Temple, that the faithful might give Him praise, unencumbered by derisive laughter, and noxious Sarky Comments. And it would be called the High Church of Carrot, in remembrance of the Blackadder III, and the Sacred Episode "Nob and Nobility", in which Chris, dressed in the Revolutionary Costume, refers to himself as being "Hung like a Baby Carrot, and a couple of Petit-Pois". The Handmaidens of Chris knew that this could not be so - that Chris's Carrot was Prodigious and Most Hefty. Well - they obviously didn't know for certain - but they were willing to lay money on it. And so they set out to inscribe a Sacred Tome, so that all might know that it was so. And it would be called the Book of Carrot, and all who read it would be blessed with Holy Wizdome.

And so, they laboured hard, and swathed themselves in towels, that the drool which poured forth from their mouths at the mere thought of Chris, might not damage their computers.

They managed only three pages before they both died of dehydration.

Praise be to Chris

The Carrot Experience | Introduction | The Genesis of Obsession | The Book of Carrot

Chapter I | Chapter II | Chapter III