The Belfast Bollocks

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Van Morrison In Pleasant Expression surprise!

By our Music Corresponant Dermot O'Diddly Dee.

Legendary Belfast blues artist Van "The Man" Morrison is once again the subject of controversy, after appearing in public wearing what was described as an "unusually pleasant facial expression." The alleged smile was seen at the launch of his latest album "Get Stuffed You Bunch Of Wankers". An expectant crowd of reporters and record company representatives were astonished when the customarily dour and unapproachable Mr Morrison, entered the foyer of the Europa Hotel, carrying about him a distinctly jaunty air, and wearing what was undeniably a broad grin. A concerned member of the hotel staff stepped forward to enquire after the singer's health whereupon Mr Morrison punched him in the face. "Piss off" he said with a pleasant smile. He then went on to insult the receptionist, harangue the bar-staff, and head-butt a reporter from the Belfast Telegraph, all while wearing an amicable smirk. "What the f**k are you lot staring at?" he simpered at astounded onlookers, and left.

The Europa Hotel: "Damaged"

At a press conference held the following morning, a spokesperson for Mr Morrison revealed that the singer had been legally obliged by Belfast City Council to undergo a revolutionary treatment, which involves injecting quantities of cannabis extract directly into the subject's facial muscles. The technique temporarily produces a light-hearted expression, while leaving the personality unaltered. The Council opted to take this action following repeated complaints from hoteliers and publicans in the city, about damage caused to their buildings by Mr Morrison's relentlessly sour demeanour. The Europa Hotel sustained extensive damage during the launch party for Mr Morrison's last album "Look You Bastards, Do You Know Who I Am?", when the singer's expression peeled the paper from the walls on 3 floors, buckled the lift shaft and warped several girders essential to the structural integrity of the building. The historic Crown Bar was forced to issue a restraining order against the singer, after 150 year-old wood panelling in the pub was warped beyond repair when the he used the lavatories in the establishment in 1997.

The Crown Bar: "Restraining Order"

He has also been banned from several of the cities best known listed buildings, including the Kitchen Bar, Kelly's Cellars, the Linnenhall Library and the Ulster Museum. It was also revealed that an estimated 30 buildings formerly thought to have been bombed by the Provisional IRA during the 1970's, were in fact destroyed by prolonged contact with Van Morrison. The Council is reputedly considering similar action against Sinead O'Connor, Morrissey and members of the band Radiohead. They are also alleged to be investigating the possibility of anaesthetising the vocal chords of Celine Dion, should she ever carry out her threat to hold an open-air performance in the city's Botanic Gardens.

Dion - "horrific"